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Mark's Column |
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06-10-06: Ode to PC
Distance
4-13-2006 Hello everyone, After reviewing all of the columns that have been written to date I have come to one conclusion, and that is they don't contain nearly enough rage. To help settle the balance I will not write an article about a topic that has been upsetting me for quite some time. It's what I like to call the Gusher's conspiracy. Lately I've noticed that the fruit snacks Gushers have been putting in extra flavors into the pouches. This may seem like a good idea at first glance, but when you think about it you are really getting cheated. I mean if I wanted to get mystery flavored gushers (It's kiwi by the way) I would go out and buy them. But no the head honchos at Betty Crocker decided to make up our minds for us. I was willing to forgive them for this one minor slip up, lots of snacks try this as a way of testing new flavors, but they didn't just stop with the mystery flavor. Oh no it goes much deeper. Enter gushers' new ploy... special blue chill pieces. I was very upset when I saw this on the box of my beloved triple shock berry sour gushers, but soon my rage was multiplied ten fold by what I saw inside the wrapping. Nearly half of my gushers had become blue chill. Again in the spirit of tolerance I decided to give them a shot only to learn that the Betty crocker people had played a cruel joke on us all. The blue chill pieces where filled with cough syrup (At least that's what I think). And then I realized something that got me so enraged I was forced to write an article about my experience. They hadn't just put extra flavors in, no they actually replaced the blue shock berry with the special blue chill. At this I quickly looked at the cover thinking I had miss read it. No I was right it clearly stated TRIPLE shock berry. Not double shock berry with extra crappy blue pieces. I felt cheated. Gushers made me feel like a dirty whore. I ran to the shower to try and scrub the dirty feeling off, but I couldn't do it. I just sat there weeping over my lost gushers. So I guess the bottom line America is that Betty Crocker is an evil company that ruined my favorite snack. They should be tried for crimes against humanity and executed immediately. Your in rage, Mark Vonderharr
3-27-2006 Hello to all my faithful readers. I know that i have been absent in my writing for quite a while, and there is a perfectly logical explanation. I have done it to leave you in suspense for my next column. Now that the explaining is done I should get to the point of this column. The Incredible Hulk... superhero or super annoying. To start off, I have to say that I'm not the biggest fan of comic book characters. On the occasion a good one pops up ya know Spider man, batman, X-men, but in all they generally suck. And the super hero that takes the cake is none other than the Hulk. I guess my first beef with the Hulk is how he was created. Apparently by being struck with gamma rays he magically developed superpowers. Never mind the fact that gamma rays are a form of radiation, but they actually will vaporize you as soon as you make contact with them. Oddly enough this is the same side affect that is holding back Kenny's and My research on our Gamma Ray Gun AKA Project Chewbaccarotica. Anyways I digress, The point is the Hulk should have been vaporized, but even if he wasn't how does this give him super powers. You don't hear of people getting radiation treatment for cancer and walking out with the ability to shoot lasers out of there eyes. No the facts just don't add up. So lets just assume that by some unnatural circumstance unbeknown to me the Hulk is created, why give him such crappy superpowers. Wow I'm a big strong guy, if you upset me I'll lose control destroy a city block and forget all about hurting you. Is it just me or does this nefarious Hulk character send children a negative message. If someone makes you angry destroy things around you. Instead children should learn to destroy the person making fun of them. That's the American way. Also this Hulk is obviously a terrorist. He is constantly being chased by the US government. He destroys buildings and in his daily life works in a nuclear testing laboratory. It is obvious Bin Laden got the idea of 9/11 from the Hulk. In fact i would go so far as to say Bin Laden is The hulk in disguise. See the examples below.
My final beef with the hulk is personal. It is his ability to run very fast. Apparently because he is muscular he can go faster than average humans. Now as all of you know, to much muscle mass is harmful to running. I present as exhibit A the Park Center wrestling team (At least the heavy weights) Have you ever seen them go on a run. If one of them could beat me in a race (excluding Dylan), i would marry the Hulk myself. I think I have pretty much said all I can about my hatred of the Hulk, so I will close with this, The Hulk is a Mean, Green, (obsenities deleted by web master) Machine. Good Night and Good Luck, Mark Vonderharr
12-5-2005 The Nate, Gorman, Dylan Trifecta
To my loyal readers, I
have some very unsettling news to tell you in regards to the Gorman vs.
Nate controversy. I have recently uncovered some evidence that the real
ring leader in the scandal is none other than Dylan Cahill, high priest of
Gormanism. Please refer to the photograph which I uncovered whilst on one
of my many anti-skiing tours in Mexico. It clearly shows the whole
process of Nate being cloned, and if I am not mistaken I see Dylan on the
far right side.
It is clear that Dylan was the one whom cloned Nate. He practiced by first making cloned of himself, thus Dustin was created. Think about it, have any of you ever known Dustin before the year of 1995. I think that this was the year that Dustin was created, and given the option of agreeing to the cover story of being twins or being liquefied. In the year 2003 an incredibly talented youth by the name of Aaron Thomas Gorman joined the cross country team. This boy befriended Dustin, the Dylan clone. Dustin told “Gorman” everything about Dylan’s cloning experiments. This enraged Dylan and he went about thinking of ways to destroy this liability. The opportunity presented itself when one Nathan Stewart Wallace joined the team in 2004. Dylan fabricated a story of Nate hating Gorman in the hopes that Nate would destroy Aaron. This proved to be an impossibility because the original Nate was just not strong of fast enough. So Dylan had the original Nate killed. It is my belief that this dreadful task was done by none other than Jonathan Fitzpatrick Schwarzkopf himself. “John” proved he was in the pocket of Dylan when he published his last article concerning the Gormanism issue. Anyways I digress, Dylan brought the corpse of Nate to his laboratory in Mexico where he made a more aggressive and testosterone filled Nate. As you can see there were others present at this operation. Jordan Oscar Graen was there. This was puzzling to me as to why Jordan would be there, until a picture was unearthed to explain it all. Apparently Jordan was also an early experiment patient of Dylan’s. Jordan’s twin was placed in Osseo in the hopes that none would ever find him. What Dylan wasn’t betting on was that clone of Jordan was an incredibly enthusiastic Orioles fan. Gorman was also there and, as was proved in photograph taken earlier this year of the lady Gorman, was unsuccessfully cloned. Lastly, there was an unidentified member of the Dylan clone squad in the picture. This can mean only one thing, there is someone out there whom has been cloned by Dylan and can’t be accounted for. It could be anyone, even you, for Dylan has powerful memory erasing methods. To learn if you are a clone you should ask yourself these three questions. 1. Are there large periods of my life that I can’t remember, almost as if as if they are wiped from existence? 2. Have I ever passed someone at the grocery store that looks just like me? 3. Do I know why everyone is naked in the above picture?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, I suggest you find and destroy your clone before they do it to you. Yours with Love, Mark Vonderharr
First Column 11-18-2005 So I am writing this in my ALP class instead of doing my work. As I went to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, or HPATGOF for short, last night I thought I should write a review. I have to say I found the special effects to be rather satisfactory. I was a little disappointed that they completly excluded the Quidditch World Cup. I was also a little disappointed with Voldermort. He seemed a little "Hello" to me. If you are going to it make sure you listen to how Voldermort talks when he casts spells. Queer. I was also upset that Cho Chang wasn't super fly. she just looked average, and Harry Potter ain't no average girl dating kind of guy. Also, how bout those death eaters, they looked like members of the KKK. Seriously, when I first saw them I almost broke out laughing. And whats the deal with no Dobby, that little guy single handedly carried the second movie. Was it just me or did Harry Potter look like one of the Beetles. I hear that if you play the song "I wanna hold your hand" backwards there is a message that says "Harry's dead, Harry's dead." So was it just me or did anybody else noticew a lot of sexual tension between Moody, aka Barty Crouch, and Dumbledore. I mean at the end of the movie Barty kept on licking his lips in a very suggestive manner. I also wanted to see a little bit more esnogging that would have been sweet. Ya know Harry and Cho, Hermione and Krum, Mrs. Mcgonagle and Dumbledore, the two weasley twins, Harry and Ron, and a good three way between Ginny Dobby and Moody. Anywho so it is time for me to leave class so i will close on this note. HPATGOF was a pretty good movie and i would recomend seeing it if you enjoy all things Harry Potter. This column is the solely the musings of Mark. Neither Pcdistance.com, Park Center, or Kenny Gilkerson is responsible for the content. Pcdistance.com is not funded or sponsored in anyway by Park Center High School. If you have complaints, send them to the Webmaster, he will be happy to promptly delete them for you.
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