3-7-2006

Kenny's List of the 15 greatest movies ever.

Before I start the list I have to put up a disclaimer. My list is extremely selective. I always hear about people having 50 favorite movies. I think that is just total bull. My list has been described by Kevin as the 13 movies I don't hate. This isn't completely correct, these are the movies that I really like. These are not movies that I thought were OK, or "weren't a waste of my time and money to see." These are the cream of the crop, the rest of the movies are muddled in mediocrity. Having said that, here they are...

Revised Favorite Movie List (1-23-07)

Honorable Mentions: Gladiator, Wayne's World,  Lucky Number Slevin

Single worst movie of all time: Bad Santa

     That last one is on the list just because I love the soundtrack, those of you in ALP know what I'm talkin' 'bout!

     This is my list, not yours. Yes, I left off  The lord of the Rings, or should I say

Lord of the boRings. I've waited so long to say that. But seriously, that movie sucked.

2-25-2006

The one thing Bode did win

The contest for biggest idiot of 2006 is already over. I know what you're thinking, we're not even 1/4 done with the year. Well, no one can possibly take the trophy away from Bode Miller. Everything he does and says makes me want to puke. I'm sure you've seen Nike's join Bode commercials. They consist of his majesty, Bode Miller, sitting in his "training barn" and talking about how other athletes are dumb and "soft" for using technology to help them do better. Well, this "home spun" method of training just back fired big time. Of the 5 races Miller was in at the Olympics, he managed to finish just 2, 2. Let that sink in, 2. He either missed a gate or went off the course in 60% of his races. Maybe he should get out of the barn and onto some snow more often. But he wouldn't do that, that would ruin his "dark horse," "Counterculture" persona that he has deliberately built over the past 5 years.

This brings me to my next point. Bode Miller is a complete phony. I don't use that word a lot, because I think it is a cliché, but it just fits to well here. He pretends to be this removed, self righteous recluse that hates the press. Tell me then, why did he do an interview with 60 minutes 3 weeks before the Games? It can't be because he heard the money bags jingling in his ears can it? Or maybe it was the dollar signs in his eyes. In this interview he revealed that he had skiied drunk. Wait, I thought that he hated the press and didn't want to get his personal life into the open? News flash America! He did it for promotional deals and strait cash hommie! He is a complete phony in every sense of the word.

Now I turn to his interview in Time magazine, ya, he did not one but two interviews in the weeks leading up to the Games. (cha ching) This is the worse interview. The 60 minutes one just talked about himself. In the time interview, this no-talent maggot has the audacity to speculate that Lance Armstrong only wins by doping. WHAT! Lance is the most tested athlete on the planet. He has failed 0 drug tests. 0. (the fiasco fabricated by the french press after his 7th win was resolved when the tests were ruled shady at best) Hey Bode, win a medal then make your jealousy spiked accusations. I can hear Miller's naive fans saying, "but he won the world cup." No one cares about the world cup. Thats like saying that Lance won the leige-bastonge-leige race. Sure anyone can win when there is no pressure, but Bode failed 5 times at the Olympics. Lance won 7 in a row. Bode reminds me of a 10 year old little boy that isn't getting enough attention at school so he has to lash out to get attention.

In conclusion, Bode Miller is the slimiest, most conceded person on the face of this planet, and I couldn't be happier that he failed miserably at the Olympics.   

1-18-2006

The Classic Skiing Conspiracy

My friends, the time has come that I open your eyes to maybe the most evil conspiracy yet. This is the classic skiing conspiracy. Back in the 1970's there was only one type of skiing, classic skiing. Everyone was fine with it. Around 1975, a new, obviously better way to ski came about. It was dubbed skate skiing. Skate skiing is faster, more efficient, and more fun than classic skiing. One might ask, then why does classic skiing still exist? There are two reasons for this. 1. People who can't skate ski have to cling to classic skiing for dear life. Congratulations, you are better than most people at something that is fundamentally worse. These people have to default back to the classic way, because they can't make it in the fast, high tech stake world. The second reason is driven by greed. How, one might ask. Well think about it. Who is making money off there being two types of skiing. That's right, the ski, pole, boot, and wax companies. They are guaranteed twice the number of sales as opposed to when there was one type of skiing. Atomic and Fisher sell twice as many skis as before. The real bandits here are Swix and Toko. They sell poles and wax. That's four times the sales. Lastly, the persistence of classic skiing is absurd. Whoever thought that skiers should limit themselves in a race to a slower way of racing was crazy. If someone invented a faster way to run, no one would run the old slow way. Oh wait, I forgot about race-walking. That is like classic skiing on the running spectrum. Notice that there are no road races that have a half race-walk half running "pursuit." That's because the running community used their collective heads and said, "Hey, race-walking is stupid and boring, lets disown them." The same should be done for classic skiing.

And now the much anticipated rebuttal from Sarah.

Where to begin…? To start off classic did come first and it further proves the saying the original idea is always better. Sequels to movies are never as good as the original.  Classic is a higher class of skiing; it is a tradition passed down from generation to generation beginning with   Norway's first King Olav I in 995 AD. It requires skill, balance, manners, and etiquette.  As opposed to the skate skiing fad that has only been around for the last thirty years.  Skating may be a faster technique, but you have so many forms to master.  I mean really, who actually likes to V-2 or V-2 alternate.  Classic is much more simple, you can either stride or double pole.  If you are feeling ambitious you can even add a kick to your double pole.  Classic does require wax (and I'll admit isn't the most fun to apply) but you sail right over the hills.  hehe.. literally walking on water.  While you're classic skiing the tracks are the only thing in front of you (your path is laid out), you are allowed to get into a zone and just go.  In contrast, skate you have a free-for-all on the trail and it is impossible to get into any kind of zone except maybe the off-limit zone when you are pushed aside because one person generally takes up the entire trail.  Plus classic is much more fun for the cheering crowds to watch.  It is an overall prettier sport (not nearly as jerky more rhythmic) and because it is a slower sport they can watch you longer.  The extended cheering gets the skier in a better mood therefore resulting in a better race. And as for the money issue, these companies are geniuses for selling all the extra equipment. In the market today everyone is money hungry and trying to find new ways of making people pay more.  For instance have you seen those little 6 oz cans of pop.  What are those honestly used for. They are cute so people will buy them, and they Coca-Cola company makes more money.  The companies that sell the wax, poles, and boots are selling useful items that make your skiing experience easier and more comfortable.  Toko makes very warm lobster gloves, by the way, for anyone in the market. And it is a known fact that skating is harder on the knees, so you can classic into your retirement years.  By the way, classic is closer to running than skate, and some would think certain parties would prefer this technique.



Yours Truly,

Loyal to Classic :)

12-22-2005

The American Obesity Conspiracy (part 1)

Its not new news that America is by far the fattest nation on the face of the earth, but what really astounds me is the attitude that we as the American society have towards this issue. Let's take 5 minutes of prime time TV as an example. During tonight's 6:30 Simpsons episode, by my estimation, there were 14 overweight people. That's not counting the actual Simpsons show, just the commercials. Next time you watch TV, count them. Then there is the victim mentality of the majority of obese people in the US. "Its not my fault I eat too much, thereby putting an unnecessary lead weight on my heart and lungs, costing the US economy billions of dollars a year,  its just my metabolism.

Let me spell this out for you:

calories eaten - calories burned = net calorie consumption!

Weight loss is not the unsolvable 5th degree polynomial math problem that the weight loss industry wants the public to think it is, its a simple subtraction problem. If you burn more calories than you eat you will lose weight. If you eat more calories than you burn you will gain weight. I should write a book. It could be the "stop reading this book and go ride a bike for an hour" weight loss program. It is fool proof and will work for everyone. This brings me to my second point. The pitiful attitude that America has taken towards exercise. The worst thing to ever happen to America's health was that stupid "do" government program. THIS JUST IN: SWEEPING THE KITCHEN FLOOR DOES NOT COUNT AS EXERCISE! It is the false sense of "everything is exercise" that is killing the real forms of physical activity. You burn calories when you sleep, that doesn't qualify it as exercise.

More to come tomorrow on the confusion about Calories, or did you mean little c calories? (inside Chemistry Joke)

Part 2:

I think that there has been a conscience effort by the food industry to confuse people. Its the whole "eat this and you will get skinny" deal. Hey, ya know what would work better, not eating it at all. Then there are the people who say "I try to lose weight, but I always get too hungry." Newsflash: the reason you're hungry is because you have trained your stomach to crave 3000 calories a day for 15 years. The "hunger" you feel is your body telling you that it has to burn fat in order to keep you functioning.

 In fat people speak: Hungry = lose weight. If you aren't hungry when you lose weight I guarantee you won't be able to sustain that weight loss. That was the problem with the Atkins/low carb crap. Don't get me started on that. Lastly, maybe the thing that bugs me the most is the idea that it is ok to be overweight. The actress Monique had a show entitled "Fat Chance" where heavy women learned how to feel good about themselves. That's great that you have lots of self confidence. I hope you'll feel that good about yourself when, due to being over weight, you die 15 years earlier than you had to.
 

Part 3: Interview with weight loss poster boy Pat Hilden.

Ken: When would you say that you started to lose weight? 

Pat: probably about a year and a half ago 

Ken: Was this a conscience choice or did it happen by accident? 

Pat: no definitely not an accident. It did it on purpose. 

Ken: What did you change or do different  to lose weight? 

Pat: I gave up drinking pop and eating anything sweet, and started running 

Ken: Is it hard to keep it off? And how do you keep it off?

Pat: not really, I still drink very little pop and I'm in sports, so that makes it easy 

Ken: Do you have any words of encouragement or wisdom to people who want to lose weight? 

Pat: you have to truly want to lose weight, most people want to lose weight, but they aren’t willing to give up the things that make them fat. 

Ken: Do you or do you not believe that America is overweight due to a mass conspiracy and smoke screen, perpetrated by America’s food and weight loss industry, in order to boost their profits? 

Pat: I certainly don't think that they are want or  are trying to get people to lose weight. Then their business and customer bases would shrink, (pun intended).

Ken: Do you think that it is an apt metaphor to compare being under the spell/conspiracy of the food and diet industry, a.k.a. the axis of obesity, to the plot of the matrix?   

Pat: Well I can see why the food companies would want to be lined up with the diet industry. They sell more food and  then the diet industry gets more business.

This concludes my three part essay uncovering the obesity mindset and conspiracy in America.

12-29-2005

If you haven't read my column from 12-22-2005, read that first, or this won't make any sence. This is a good testimonial I received from John Schwarzkopf:

12-04-2005

A lot of guff has been given to PCSH's new principal, Ms. Parpart, and frankly it is very childish. If you ask the students who don't like her why they don't like her, 90% of the time you will get a hopelessly childish answer. My favorites are: We don't have open lunch (not her fault or even under her control), She took away the pop machines (if that is your biggest concern you need to reevaluate your life, fatty!), and lastly, she enforces the rules for real (oh, I thought rules where just words on paper and didn't have a real meaning). It annoys me to no end that people actually signed a Students against Parpart "petition". First of all, what were you petitioning? Secondly, what ever your petty claims were, the school board won't care, trust me.
        Ms. Parpart has made PC a much sounder school. The premises are more secure and the infrastructure runs much smoother. One can't argue with the attendance/tardy policy. Precker's whole red pass deal absolutely sucked. The kids who already are missing class had to miss more to get that stupid red pass. Lastly, with Parpart taking office, the guy's cross country team doesn't have to see Preker at pool practice in the morning (of ya know what I mean).

11-23-2005

Pasta Italiano at Park Center

Hello friends, I actually have a topic this time. I open my story on Tuesday. One could say the day was going swell for me. I had just finished putting my trumpet away in band and was looking forward to my favorite class of the day, lunch. This day was different than most hamburger or chicken patty days, this was a pasta and marinara sauce day. I you know me, you probably know how much I love pasta. So the bell rings and I get in the third line. When Its my turn to get my pasta, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach. It was probably a combo of hunger and anger. The lunch ladies are serving the pasta today. This usually means that you get less food. Even worse was that they were using the small spoons. Still worse was that they were shaking the spoons to “level off” the serving. That’s lunch lady speak for giving you less food. When the pasta was placed on my tray, I just stood there staring at the server. I couldn’t believe how little amount of noodle she gave me. She gave me the ”so what, you can pay for extras” look. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of paying for extras. I paid the kings ransom ($1.90) and sat down. I was so enraged that I actually counted the number of noodles on my plate. The number was exactly 15.5 bow tie noodles. The packets of food they package at Feed My Starving Children give more food per person than that lunch that day. The suggested serving size recommended by Barilla pasta is 40 bow tie noodles. This means that I got 38.75% of a serving. This wasn’t the exception Nate, Kevin, and Alex all got about the same number of noodles. But wait, I forgot to mention all the other food I got. There was the generous .5 pint of milk, and the complementary parmesan cheese packet.

Now I feel better. For my next column. I’ll give you a hint: its about the principal, does she put the pal in principal?      

11-18-2005:

Hey, I don't have anything real to say, I just wanted to show you this sweet icon I found on a forum. When I found it the hammer didn't move. The moving hammer was all Kenny. I don't know why I like it so much, Its just really cleaver, and I love MC Hammer. If you haven't read the post below this, you must, that's an order.

11-12-2005:

NBC is Satan's network