New 12-02-06

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Greetings PCDistancer’s!

This is my first column on this ever-prestigious site (see Williams’s column if you disagree).  And as much as we think the clone ‘conspiracy’ was solved and died down it has quite obviously occurred to me a huge new theory which may fill the gaps in the old ‘theory’ of clones.
            This new theory will surely be argued and disputed by the likes of John and his ‘cult of clones’- ideology, but we all know his cult has flaws and hopefully this new one will be closer to the truth. My new theory takes facts which have already been stipulated by the old theory, such as the Mexican/Guatemalan/Nate escapade. Anyways, back to the truth. As we have recently read about in William’s column and the recent hate of skiing this uncovers some truths about the cloning. Every single cloned person was on the ski team. Now, you are thinking to yourselves, Aaron Gorman was never on the ski team. This is true! And this is sure proof as to why his clone didn’t turn out as ‘manly’ as some might have hoped. The other clones, and I hopefully can account for them all, are:

• Dylan/Dustin: Dylan was on the ski team.
• Mark V./Sketchy man: Mark on the ski team.
• Kenny/Lance Armstrong: Kenny on the ski team
• Me (Jordan)/ OsseoFanatic: Jordan on the Ski team.
• Nate W./ “Dead Nate”: Nate on the Ski team.
• Aaron/Female Gorman: Not on ski team, but did attend ski meeting this year… which may be even more evidence as to why his clone “never become full man”, just as Aaron “never fully joined skiing.”

Now you are probably thinking, “Jordan you’re stupid, you’ve told us nothing thus far.” How true! But here is the new theorem part. Quite obviously Lance Armstrong, hence his age, was not cloned from Kenny, but actually the other way around. This being true, Kenny was given almost ‘super-human’ genes and he became an athletic god. But who would want to breed such an elite person? The answer is obvious. The ex-science teacher: Peterson. With Mr. Peterson, or “Petey”, science knowledge it would be easy for him to clone any amount of people. He is now the “I.B.” director which is even a bigger ploy to be able to choose who would “get into” Park Center via the “lottery” program that I.B. now has in place. Petey has already recruited foreigners to the team this year, an example is “Bebet” who is now on the ski team, and she is from the ski country of Germany. Easily known to all is that Petey wants a team of the god’s so that he would get inducted into the skiing coaches hall of fame.
            Another obvious choice for cloning would have been Mark V. who may have turned out to be a good skier. His tall height would have made him a skiing king at classic had he cared. Now if Mr. P. could have two Mark’s, or classical geniuses, why wouldn’t he? The only problem, Mark despised skiing. This is why the only thing left of his clone is a portrait, because Petey found no use for a will-less clone so obviously he drew the picture of the clone and then disposed of it.
As stated before Aaron Gorman is a very good runner making him probably a good skier too. But as we know Aaron never joined the ski team, so Petey, frustrated with his lack of success thus far, gave up the clone of Aaron and left him ( if you can call it a him) in this pitiful sense… a female.
Dylan Cahill was the first cloned. Petey used him as a guinea pig. As we all well know Dylan is slightly short and “scrawny” (no offense Dylan) therefore making him not necessarily a good candidate for skiing. When Dylan was cloned and created Dustin, the results were dismal. Dustin’s lack of skiing motivation and general deficit of enthusiasm disturbed Mr. Peterson, so after making a few adjustments Petey continued cloning.
Jordan Graen (me) may also be a poor choice for cloning given his lack of “athletic performance,” however his great motivation for the sport could possibly create a gene that Mr. Peterson could isolate and insert into the others that he has had bad motivational skills with. Jordan’s clone was placed under the watchful eye of Monty (Osseo coach) who owes Coach Peterson a few favors from back in the seventies.
      Now lastly Nate Wallace. Nate Wallace has demonstrated fairly well skiing ability, however the real reason of Nate’s involvement is that he is actually is Mr. Peterson’s assistant. Petey traveled with Nate to Mexico on numerous occasions to do their experiments and cloning. The reason Petey chose Mexico was because of the lack of snow, and the guarantee he wouldn’t be caught by his snow-loving colleagues.  Nate, who as we all know is going into the Navy, was promised a promotion by Petey because of Petey’s “connections.” These connections have not yet been verified, and Nate very well has been used as a pawn to do Petey’s bidding. All other story regarding Nate and his defeat of his alterna-self may be considered truth.
As you can see Peterson has cause and motive. The entire cloning fiasco was put on by him and it may also be true that he used John, willingly or unwillingly, to become an advocate for the alternate cloning conspiracy. In conclusion, Nate and John are pawns of Coach Peterson, and all the other clones were used to create a super-ski-team.

New October 2005

Jordan's Twin brother?

I know it looks photoshoped, but its not.

This appeared on the district website some time ago.

I you hurry it might still be up. (note: no longer up)